Category Archives: Uncategorized

Uncategorized

“Look at the bright side…”

Gallery 4 Comments

Imagine this situation: a “caring”and friendly neighbour noticed that you’ve been looking rather sad lately, and asks you, ‘You’ve been looking gloomy lately … Are you OK?’ You tell them that your mum is dying of a rather rare but highly malignant form of cancer on the other side of the world. After explaining the situation to your neighbour in a short two-minutes-and-a-half conversation (because of course you don’t want to burden them with your grief) imagine all they say to you is ‘Look at the bright side of life’?

"Always Look on the Bright Side of Life," by Vanessa Pike-Russell, available at https://www.flickr.com/photos/lilcrabbygal/. Commons Attribution 2.0. Full terms at http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0
“Always Look on the Bright Side of Life,” by Vanessa Pike-Russell, available at https://www.flickr.com/photos/lilcrabbygal/.
Commons Attribution 2.0. Full terms at http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0

Baffling, eh?

This isn’t fiction. It happened to one of my friends. Her mum is dying of a type of cancer that has no known cure, a carcinosarcoma. Look it up if you’re into finding out the facts about diseases. When I did, I was profoundly shocked. The same profound shock I also experienced when my friend told me about the chat with her neighbour. The first thought that came to my head was that such a comment is “New Ageism” or “Polyanna-ism” gone mad. Is there a “bright” side to profound grief and helplessness? More importantly, is it necessary to “say” anything at all?

Many years ago I was very teary after one of my very many relationship disasters and happened to be visiting a friend of mine in Buenos Aires for “coffee and compassion”. Her then 5-year-old daughter was playing with a friend in the next room and stormed into the lounge area where my friend and I were having coffee. The little girl stared at me in bewilderment and asked, ‘¿Qué te pasa?’ (What’s the matter with you?). I could just utter words to say that I wasn’t having a very good day, but my friend stepped in to manage the situation. What she said and did will stay with me forever.

‘You know, FF is sad. People cry when they’re sad. Many times they look sad in different ways. They’ve got a sad look on their faces. They aren’t their usual happy selves. When that’s the case, you give them a hug and tell them that you care for them.’ As she said that, my friend hugged me. I still feel her hug, but what’s more important is that she’s passed on a lesson in wisdom to me.

Words can’t transmit what a hug can. In many cases, a hug may not be the right thing to do in certain cultural settings, but a compassionate look and a few words can work in the same way.

  • I feel for you.
  • I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this.
  • Take good care of yourself.

Nothing too sophisticated really.

A rabbi whose name I can’t remember said that people who are experiencing grief don’t really expect our words of consolation. They expect our acknowledgement of what they’re going through. Sympathy isn’t about giving a speech or offering bullshit platitudes.

When I mentioned this situation to another good friend of mine, she said that Anglo people struggle to express their feelings and if someone is candid about their emotions, the typical Anglo person can’t take it in and will utter platitudes. Even if that were the case, the ‘look at the bright side’ comment that my grieving friend heard from her neighbour goes way beyond the realm of platitudes into something that appears heaps closer to callousness or stupidity.

It’s situations like these that start me thinking of all kinds of snappy answers:

  • Thank you, I probably should start thinking of the inheritance. Is that what you mean by ‘bright side’?
  • Sure, after mum is gone, I won’t have to visit my dad. He’s a nasty piece of work after all.
  •  We can throw a party instead of a funeral … Yeah!
  • I can drink a toast to the deceased: I’ve always wanted to pour a drink for me and someone else and drink the two glasses. Lather, rinse, repeat, until I end up as drunk as a skunk.

I tend to be a very imaginative person, but that’s all I can think about in the Snappy Answer Dept. Maybe I’m having a very unimaginative day today. At least I’ve had a good day at work.

Or maybe encouraging a grieving person to look at the “bright side” of their (impending) loss just doesn’t wash by any standards.

Uncategorized

My thoughts on the New Year 2015

Gallery Leave a comment

2014 = a watershed.

(This seems a bit like a mathematical equation, darling. Explain yourself …)

It’s been a year in which the first six months brought in two great achievements: publishing my first novel and finishing a semester of study as a postgraduate student at the University of Sydney. The second half of the year was the exact opposite and I struggled to find my feet. December brought in a ‘recovery’ of sorts and my creative juices started flowing again. There’s one absolute certainty in the middle of all the uncertainty: I will continue writing. There’s also a nagging reality: I need to add more streams of income to the ones I currently have.

A few days ago I emailed a friend of mine, and I expressed my wishes of a greater sense of self-awareness for 2015. Her reply—more or less— went like this:

“After the year you had, you’d probably expect a bit more than just self-awareness.”

Her comment left me wondering whether I’ve become a bit of a conformist. As I was going about my daily business today, bang! I had one of my brainwaves. A few days ago I read a new definition of insanity:

'Definition of insanity,' from http://imgarcade.com/1/definition-of-insanity-meme/
‘Definition of insanity,’ from http://imgarcade.com/1/definition-of-insanity-meme/

 As far as I’m concerned, I’d swap ‘insanity’ for ‘stupidity’ here. However, either one or the other are the complete opposites of self-awareness.

In other words, aspiring to stay as self-aware as possible entails a very open pair of eyes and a sharp mind to spot opportunity and to take informed decisions. It also involves allowing myself to try a different way of doing things, because at the end of the day if I do the same bloody stupid thing again, and again, and again, how can I expect to achieve different results?

In any case, make no mistake: I want to become rich, famous and influential. Luck is of the essence—good luck, that is.  A serendipitous shift of fortunes. The appearance of a positive something that wasn’t there before.

Happy New Year! Have a wonderful 2015 :-)
Happy New Year! Have a wonderful 2015 🙂

Right now I’ve become painfully aware that my stomach is kind of empty and I need to get dinner ready ASAP. All the same I want to wish you a very happy New Year. May 2015 bring in everything that you want or need, and none of what you don’t want or don’t need—and a lot of self-awareness to make the most of each and every situation.

Thanks for following this blog and for reading me! FFJ

Uncategorized

Terrorism and a feeling of déjà vu: the Martin Place siege

Gallery Leave a comment

I called a dear friend today to wish her happy birthday, and ten minutes or so into our conversation, she asked me, ‘Have you watched or listened to the news today?’ There’s been a terrorist attack at Lindt Café in Martin Place. Many people were taken hostage.’

Wham! Whatever else I was thinking about (and I’ve got a fair bit on my plate today) just went to some backburner in my mind. I’m many kilometres away from Martin Place (110 km, to be precise), but many years ago I used to go to Lindt Café before teaching a Spanish lesson in the area. I used to enjoy that little treat immensely and the mere thought of that café (or any other café for that matter) being in the hands of a terrorist group, or a terrorist individual, sends chills up and down my spine.

Here’s the ABC link to the story, which I rate as a wonderful reporting source. I’m no news reporter, and the ABC does a much better job than any other news agency or group in Australia.

My feeling of déjà vu comes from my other life in Buenos Aires, when the Israeli Embassy was hit by a suicide bomber in 1992, and when the Jewish Community Building was destroyed exactly in the same way in 1994. The consequences of those two attacks were far worse by comparison, with death tolls reaching hundreds of victims.

It isn’t the facts by themselves that I’m comparing here. It’s the sense that as much as we would like to believe that we ‘rule’ our lives, this isn’t entirely true. Neither the employees nor the customers of Lindt Café had ‘made plans’ to become terrorist targets today.

At the time of the Israeli Embassy bombing in 1992, I used to work round the corner. That day I didn’t have to go to work. In any case, my knees gave in when I heard the news on the radio. When I did go back to work, I heard the stories of people that had been killed or seriously injured, and couldn’t really come to terms with it, not immediately at least. My ex-husband’s auntie used to live just opposite the Israeli Embassy, but luckily she wasn’t hurt.

The facts, the geography, the outcomes and even the language are different, but the over-awing sense of not being ‘in control’, of not knowing what will happen next are very much part of what I feel today, as it was then, when I was living in Buenos Aires many years ago.

However, there’s something that is fully in our hands, even in the face of adversity: how we deal with it; how we react to it; what we learn from it. In his Facebook status, a friend of mine expressed that whatever the outcome of the Lindt Café hostage episode, it shouldn’t be used to create hatred and polarisation between the Muslim community and the rest of the Australian population. His wise words will stay with me forever.

Let’s hope for the best outcome for the hostages and exercise calm to make the police forces’ job as easy as possible. Rioting in the streets is the last thing we need. In the meantime, I know that my sense of déjà vu is pretty much mine, but I wanted to share it with you.