(This seems a bit like a mathematical equation, darling. Explain yourself …)
It’s been a year in which the first six months brought in two great achievements: publishing my first novel and finishing a semester of study as a postgraduate student at the University of Sydney. The second half of the year was the exact opposite and I struggled to find my feet. December brought in a ‘recovery’ of sorts and my creative juices started flowing again. There’s one absolute certainty in the middle of all the uncertainty: I will continue writing. There’s also a nagging reality: I need to add more streams of income to the ones I currently have.
A few days ago I emailed a friend of mine, and I expressed my wishes of a greater sense of self-awareness for 2015. Her reply—more or less— went like this:
“After the year you had, you’d probably expect a bit more than just self-awareness.”
Her comment left me wondering whether I’ve become a bit of a conformist. As I was going about my daily business today, bang! I had one of my brainwaves. A few days ago I read a new definition of insanity:
‘Definition of insanity,’ from http://imgarcade.com/1/definition-of-insanity-meme/
As far as I’m concerned, I’d swap ‘insanity’ for ‘stupidity’ here. However, either one or the other are the complete opposites of self-awareness.
In other words, aspiring to stay as self-aware as possible entails a very open pair of eyes and a sharp mind to spot opportunity and to take informed decisions. It also involves allowing myself to try a different way of doing things, because at the end of the day if I do the same bloody stupid thing again, and again, and again, how can I expect to achieve different results?
In any case, make no mistake: I want to become rich, famous and influential. Luck is of the essence—good luck, that is. A serendipitous shift of fortunes. The appearance of a positive something that wasn’t there before.
Happy New Year! Have a wonderful 2015 🙂
Right now I’ve become painfully aware that my stomach is kind of empty and I need to get dinner ready ASAP. All the same I want to wish you a very happy New Year. May 2015 bring in everything that you want or need, and none of what you don’t want or don’t need—and a lot of self-awareness to make the most of each and every situation.
Thanks for following this blog and for reading me! FFJ
I met Kev way back in 2005, at a bipolar therapy group run by Melissa Subiaco, a young doctoral candidate from the University of Sydney. Kev and I had an immediate connection and developed a rock solid friendship. He’s been supportive in more ways than one. Besides, he isn’t judgmental in the least and we can laugh our heads off at the drop of a hat. For Kev, friendship is a lot more than rhetoric or empty words.
Here are his words of wisdom on how to manage depression. They’re especially valuable because he’s been dealing with the bipolar roller coaster for over 25 years. I appreciate his peer-to-peer insight because I know he lives by it. Over to you, Kev!
‘Up early! Sun up, get up!’ Wherever you are, do harness the beneficial effects of the sun.
Things that help:
Acknowledge the fact that you’re feeling depressed, rather than labelling yourself as depressed. There’s a huge difference in feeling, as compared to being labelled, whether by yourself, or by others. It will make a huge difference, to the length of the healing period.
Good, healthy food. Lots of fruit & vegetables!
Lots of water formula: .033x body weight, for example, .033 x 75kgs = 2.5lts/day.
Exercise, but not excessive. The body needs some time out too. Swimming & walking, high on the agenda.
Up early! Sun up, get up! It’s the most energising part of the day! SUNRISE!! Take in the energy of the sun. Walks in nature, if possible. Oceans, rivers, lakes, mountains, parks etc.
Good, meaningful sleep. Sleeping pills, only if absolutely necessary. A lot of people don’t sleep well, because they don’t prepare well. That’s the key. Do the research, it takes practise!
Meditation
Mindfulness
Yoga, using true top to bottom, breathing technique. It’ll slow the mind, with practise!! This is the key!
Take yourself out of all possible areas of possible conflict!
Supportive friends, not “arm chair specialists”.
Seek help from a counsellor, if you haven’t already! Never go beyond 3 weeks without seeking help from a professional! Personally, for me, a physchotherapist.
As the head starts to clear, address what changes have recently happened in your life, in most cases, you don’t start feeling depressed for no reason. Depression, is often set off by things that we haven’t really addressed, or dealt with properly, and will just keep coming back. Unless we do so, we will be continually surrounded by triggers.
It’s not about what happened, ie, the events, it’s about how we deal with them. People spend so much time going over things from the past. You certainly need to acknowledge that certain things did happen, but going over & over things can’t change whatever happened!! Poor investment of your time that you can’t buy back.
Rebuild resilience, your foundation. People with good foundation don’t fall.
Picture yourself as the root system of a tree. Only the week foundation trees fall. How is your foundation? It should be like a Canadian redwood!
Find what has worked in the past. Learn from each experience. Have a preset management plan. Use your daily diary! Preset your days. 24 hrs unplanned, is a huge day to fill in when feeling depressed!!
Have faith, but be proactive!
Be accountable for yourself! No blame games!!
Uplifting music. Lots of music!! You can judge your mood, by the music & volume that you play!!
Be patient & kind to yourself!!
Thanks for your words of wisdom, Kev! My blog is so much richer for your contribution 🙂 FFJ
I called a dear friend today to wish her happy birthday, and ten minutes or so into our conversation, she asked me, ‘Have you watched or listened to the news today?’ There’s been a terrorist attack at Lindt Café in Martin Place. Many people were taken hostage.’
Wham! Whatever else I was thinking about (and I’ve got a fair bit on my plate today) just went to some backburner in my mind. I’m many kilometres away from Martin Place (110 km, to be precise), but many years ago I used to go to Lindt Café before teaching a Spanish lesson in the area. I used to enjoy that little treat immensely and the mere thought of that café (or any other café for that matter) being in the hands of a terrorist group, or a terrorist individual, sends chills up and down my spine.
Here’s the ABC link to the story, which I rate as a wonderful reporting source. I’m no news reporter, and the ABC does a much better job than any other news agency or group in Australia.
It isn’t the facts by themselves that I’m comparing here. It’s the sense that as much as we would like to believe that we ‘rule’ our lives, this isn’t entirely true. Neither the employees nor the customers of Lindt Café had ‘made plans’ to become terrorist targets today.
At the time of the Israeli Embassy bombing in 1992, I used to work round the corner. That day I didn’t have to go to work. In any case, my knees gave in when I heard the news on the radio. When I did go back to work, I heard the stories of people that had been killed or seriously injured, and couldn’t really come to terms with it, not immediately at least. My ex-husband’s auntie used to live just opposite the Israeli Embassy, but luckily she wasn’t hurt.
The facts, the geography, the outcomes and even the language are different, but the over-awing sense of not being ‘in control’, of not knowing what will happen next are very much part of what I feel today, as it was then, when I was living in Buenos Aires many years ago.
However, there’s something that is fully in our hands, even in the face of adversity: how we deal with it; how we react to it; what we learn from it. In his Facebook status, a friend of mine expressed that whatever the outcome of the Lindt Café hostage episode, it shouldn’t be used to create hatred and polarisation between the Muslim community and the rest of the Australian population. His wise words will stay with me forever.
Let’s hope for the best outcome for the hostages and exercise calm to make the police forces’ job as easy as possible. Rioting in the streets is the last thing we need. In the meantime, I know that my sense of déjà vu is pretty much mine, but I wanted to share it with you.
Disclaimer: I’m no mental health professional and I’m not advocating any system, cure, treatment or healing method for mood disorders. I just want to share my recent journey. Your questions are very welcome 🙂
In the first place, I’d like to tell you what I found doesn’t work in order to fight depressions of any kind: doing nothing. It’s a health risk not only for the patient, but also for their loved ones. Another thing that doesn’t work and can backfire badly is self-medication with alcohol or illegal drugs.
Truly back on my feet and fighting the good fight.
BeyondBlue has published an excellent resource on what works (and what doesn’t work) for depression, called (surprise, surprise) A Guide to What Works for Depression, by Anthony Jorm, Nick Allen, Amy Morgan and Rosemary Purcell. Luck had it that I read it nine months ago, to keep myself updated on the latest treatment options. I’m very aware that bipolar disorder isn’t like other depressive disorders and there’s a risk that if I have Prozac, I may go to the other extreme. It’s happened before, so that’s why I will always refer to my own personal experience in the event of having to seek treatment.
My ‘maintenance plan’ includes the following:
Good, wholesome eating (including all food groups).
Physical exercise (CXWORKS, Rip60, Aqua Aerobics, RPM, among others).
Meditation using meditation apps such as Simply Being, Mindfulness and others.
I used to do psychotherapy as well, but not now. When I was living in Argentina, I was psychoanalysed for yonks. It did jack shit for bipolar disorder, but it did bring in self-knowledge. ‘Spoiler alert’: it can be costly, but you can find psychoanalysts in my old country who have a bit of a social conscience, and will not break your bank.
Towards the end of July this year, I noticed that my moods were spiralling down, in spite of my healthy life plan. Early morning mental fog was followed by a flat mood which on some days turned into generalised pessimism and a wish to be wiped out of the planet by some external destructive force. Let me explain: I wasn’t conventionally suicidal, but I felt like a phenomenal failure, helpless and depleted. Disrespected at work. My creative flair had gone out of the window. Deep down I felt so hollow that my only hope was to be on the receiving end of a deadly blow.
For days on end I went on with my life, working, doing some household chores, even going to the gym and meditating. I forced myself to smile whenever the occasion so required. But there would be no lasting, meaningful change. My brain worked slowly, slowly, slowly, but catching no monkeys … I know, it’s a bloody bad joke, but indulge me. I even thought of checking in at the Sydney Clinic, where I spent a few weeks in 2010, recovering from another episode of burnout and depression.
In the middle of September I called my psychiatrist, who’s now working in country NSW. I explained my situation on the phone and via email, and I expressed to him that I was prepared to take antidepressants. I’ve been on Tegretol (carbamazepine) for yonks, in order to even out my moods and enhance my attention span—a drug that worked real wonders from day one. On the other hand, antidepressants never worked well, but knowing that there isn’t just one kind of antidepressant medication, I told my psychiatrist that I was prepared to give them ‘a go’ again. This time we agreed that I’d start taking Zoloft (sertraline).
The problem with those bloody things, excuse me, SSRI’s such as Zoloft, is that they tend to make you gain weight …. So it was time to become a bit more mindful with food and to ramp up my fitness routine. Work ended three weeks ago, and ‘hitting the gym and the pool’ was far easier. About two weeks ago I woke up smiling for the first time. My mind is less foggy these days and I’ve recovered some of my energy. I haven’t gone hypomanic either—another one of my fears—and two weeks ago I even sent a job application that took me eight hours to put together.
I don’t think I’m fully out of the woods yet, and a minimal upset may hit me hard and send me back spiralling down. I take life one day at a time, pick my battles as wisely as I can, and make plans for the future. I have also given up smoking—not that I was the biggest ‘chimney’ in town anyway, but I will have foot surgery in late January and the surgeon wants a smoke-free FF Jensen.
Very important: The words ‘integral’ and ‘holistic’ could be interchanged in the heading, but unfortunately the ‘alternative treatment’ quacks have hijacked the word ‘holistic’ and put it in the ‘no-no words list’ for a long time to come. It isn’t my mission in life to ‘rescue’ words from snake oil salesmen, but if you want to call my kind of treatment ‘holistic’ because you like it better, be my guest 🙂 I won’t judge you.
Unsung heroes here: my friends and gym-mates. And my cats 🙂 Thanking each and every one of them would take another blog post and I don’t want to behave unfairly forgetting to mention some people who truly matter, even if they’re not physically close, or simply because I’m having one of those days when names slip off my mind. Again, gratitude fills my heart with joy and my eyes with tears. I’m blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful people!
The late Sakanashi Sensei, my aikido master in Argentina, once said that an ‘open guard’ is neither good nor bad in itself. It depends on the kind of attack you’re facing, the timing, the speed, the energy and a number of other things. This isn’t a post about aikido, though. I’m only using the concept of ‘guard’ for the sake of analogy.
Likewise, in life we may have to face conflicts or situations that require a very closed guard, a semi-open guard, and so on and so forth until you face your adversary fully disarmed and with open arms. That is the way I have taken my bipolar condition on board, with open arms. It was a sad relief to find out at the time, but a relief nonetheless—not something to be resisted, or denied, or used as a ‘badge of honour’. As Professor Kay Jamison wrote in her autobiography An Unquiet Mind: Memoir of Moods and Madness, ‘The Chinese believe that before you can conquer a beast you first must make it beautiful.’ I’ve striven to do precisely that and I can only say that my condition is ‘part of me’, it isn’t the ‘whole me’. And it doesn’t make me ugly, or defective, or stupid, or unemployable, or eccentric.
“Depression” by Mary Lock, available at https://www.flickr.com/photos/goldilockphotography/. Commons Attribution 2.0. Full terms at http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0
Speaking of work, in a rather unexpected way, it became a stressful place for me … again! My ‘day job’ turned from a safe place into a clusterfuck of disasters that I won’t go into, except to say that with a drastic reduction of hours came a drastic loss of income, and with a rather drastic and hypercritical supervisor (let’s call her that) came a frosty meeting back in 2012 where my performance that year was systematically trashed. I didn’t lose my job, but the years 2013 and 2014 brought in a fair amount of tension. This is hard enough for anyone to manage, and for someone like myself, who suffers from bipolar disorder, it can trigger mood swings and other health issues.
There were other personal circumstances that I won’t discuss for the moment, but their impact was also considerable. To cut a long story short, I got to July 2014 feeling that my brain had come to a screeching halt. I had a ‘sweet’ first half of the year, what with the publication of my novel and having completed a whole semester of postgraduate studies. I would have never anticipated that the second half of the year would be so ‘bitter’ and that I would find myself staring at burnout and depression in the face.
How did I experience depression this time? As a daily grind, an extra effort to stay on the ball, an insidious exhaustion that would creep upon me at a certain time of the day even if I’d had a good sleep the night before. Thoughts of all the positive events that took place in the first half of the year would leave me cold. I managed to keep myself going simply because that’s what I’m used to doing. I could even laugh at other people’s jokes. My depressions don’t manifest themselves as melancholia. I understand they fit the definition of the so-called atypical depression.
When Jenny Mosher interviewed me in July, I resolutely denied my looming inner shadows and even avoided talking about bipolar disorder altogether during the interview. Don’t get me wrong: many people are aware of my condition, but I find it hard to discuss it in public. I’m even finding this blog post hard to write. I had a very bad experience disclosing my condition at my last full-time graphic design job. It was used against me and I believe it contributed to my termination.
The good news this time is that even though I’ve lived a whole life of ups and downs, they frighten me considerably less now. I know what works and what doesn’t work in the event of a persistent low mood. All my insight and self-awareness allowed me to write a work of fiction. In any case, I did my research to make sure I wasn’t restricting myself to an account of what happened to me using a sockpuppet. I’m not Lena Foch, even though some of her external traits coincide with some of mine (for example, her place of birth and her bipolar condition).
In my next post I’ll expand upon how I was able to overcome this depressive state. I couldn’t possibly say I’m totally off the hook, but my thinking and reasoning are clear again, and I’ve got most of my energy back.
Thanks for reading this post. The next one will soon be coming your way. Cheers, FFJ 🙂
PS: If you don’t know what bipolar disorder is, or you aren’t sure, here’s one of my most trusted sources, the Black Dog Institute website.
Writings, ranting, ramblings and more. This site is work in progress…and so am I!
